This season I am in is so precious I want it to be documented. Attempting writing now so I can read my thoughts and accept them as they are. Write as raw as I can, in Tagalog and in English, if I have to.
I asked myself what is it that made me write freely and effortlessly before. Kahit wala naman significant happenings, I was just able to write freely anytime I like. Usually I spend Saturday as my day of writing. Punta to any coffee shop, order mocha and slice of cake then I just start zoning out. After few minutes, I will start writing whatever my thoughts are or my feelings. With music, madalas. Music drives me into that zone most of the time. Usually it is the Discover Weekly of my Spotify. I can easily get in that zone of writing quite naturally before.
After that hours of solitude with myself through words, I always feel refreshed or a better word for it is I feel so vacant. Vacant, not empty, but bakante. Parang bakanteng apartment, ready to absorb life again.
I always had something to say, something I was ready to talk about in my writing. It was so easy to just write and talk to myself. Di ko akalain gano kaimportant ang writing until I forgot how to write again.
Only after magkaron ng work na I’m proud to say I’m contributing to the world not just for myself, makaadjust domestically on my own, to finally have consistent set of friends, adjusted din to being away from family and closest friends, only then that I actually began to feel I can probably write something. Finally it happened after 4 years in Australia and more years if I would add the years I wasn’t really writing for myself before I moved here. Lately lang that I recognised there is no tension in me anymore. I can now actually convince myself that I can sit again and tell myself “you can write something now.”
I remember one colleague said na I can probably adjust easily in Australia knowing I traveled in many countries. I don’t remember responding but I remember asking myself, “I’m not sure if that will be the case kasi now it’s moving away from my roots.” The more despedida I attended, the more it feels I’m letting go more of what my life was.
But what I’m writing is not about the story of me moving country. Cliche un. This is a story of me growing more than what I expected.
The most trying times of moving is building relationships with new people and with my myself in a completely new environment. Some would say na di naman gano kahirap the way I portray it. But very few people would attest I thrive and I breathe in having deep relationships. If I don’t have those deep and real relationships, it’s doomsday. ENFJ in me, I know.
The funny thing about that is I have always wanted to be in some place na I would start from scratch. I even wanted to be in a non-English speaking country before para as in from ground zero. Hala. Aun.
Moving is a bit similar to traveling as a tourist. The usuals – we love first experience, new things, random activities and getting lost na din, to be in an unfamiliar place, like in the wild ba doing left and right adventures. But to do that constantly? on my own? away from my roots? and who knows when would things stop being too new and too unfamiliar for me eventually made me tremble almost every end of the night. I would just stare at the ceiling asking when would I have a break muna.
Many times I’ve said to myself na sana di ako sobra ka-attune with myself so I will feel less of the intensity of every moving parts of my life. I can go to sleep, wake up, go to work, be back sa bahay, luto, tv then tulog ulet or minsan lakwatsa. That would be easy for me, to have that static routine – to be less attached and involved with people and things. If that’s you, good for you. But that’s not me.
I remember walking out of a chatroom because I’ve had enough life change already. I had enough attachments already. Not being able to thrive in real relationships and not being able to deepen my roots as quick as I expect it to be took a toll. I gained so much physically. My headspace was parang balloon, floating in the air lagi, due to constant absorption. Kakatawa when I wrote those sentences now that I’m reflecting on it again. Kasi I never walked out of a conversation. I never do that. I am always present, kahit pa gera ang usapan o kalokohan. I always stay. But back then, walking out was the easiest. I guess, I eventually learned to stop absorbing life as it is.
Now you may have become interested anong chatroom un. Wag ng alamin. For me, when I look back now, I am more curious as to how exponentially I grew emotionally from that experience. It was a pivotal experience. It pivoted my emotional growth to the highest heights and to the right direction.
Kala mo okei ka naman na tao. Pero mas may ibobongga ka pa pala.
“Don’t hide it. Don’t crumple it para you can hide and people wouldn’t say a thing about you.” were my thoughts when someone I barely knew told me he is interested in my thoughts, in the way I think and what else I have to say. It was a very rare exchange to have with someone who can actually see through you like a filter curtain I just installed this week. I am forever grateful to have that exchange. An exchange I never knew I needed. An exchange that doesn’t always happen.
To have no roots and to be constantly changing in a new environment is tiring. Tita na ba ako. Grabe. But this isn’t about the story of me moving country. This is a story of my growth after letting myself be okay to take things slower and give myself allowance to create new roots and be forgiving if some didn’t hold well.
Para sakin, the process of growing, after so many years doing blog and writing and talking since bata days, always involves writing. I know that now as a fact. This is the first time I get to write again. The first time I actually have something to write.
I have better appreciation and love for writing now. Just being able to talk back to myself in black and white as perfect as the Australian flat white.
I think I’m at the end of this writing. 1128 words. Bye!